Well I did it; and I did it afraid! Before I jump into this, I want to say that all this past week I’ve been pushing myself (and Kitten) to try 1 thing every day that scares us. Whether it’s streaming without a wig or makeup, trying a game that I typically don’t play, or just going outside and unplugging from everything. I’ve seen Kitten change so much in the fact that she is braver now; she can balance on curbs without holding onto me and nearly do her monkey bars all by herself (she’s almost 4 years old now). For me, I was on the Xbox dashboard not to long ago and was invited to be on Cranky Canuck’s talk show yesterday, which was Tuesday.
Being on the Xbox dashboard and Cranky’s show terrified me and gave me such anxiety. I’m always afraid to fail or fuck things up. For example when I was on the Xbox Dashboard I had to be “family friendly” and for someone whose branding is all done around the term “Meow Bitch” it was extremely difficult; but we somehow pulled that off and it was my best stream we’ve ever done. AutumnDoll and Malicee worked so hard to change my overlays, panels, and commands so it would be more family friendly and the rest of my mods were on top of their game in answering questions and handing out juice boxes. I had to make sure I didn’t curse or rage too badly, along with being welcoming and friendly. Of course some were easier than others. The hardest part about this was walking the fine line of “selling out” and “reaching out”. Some people will say that I sold out and changed nearly everything in my stream for more views. Others say that I was reaching out and showing all the new Xbox viewers what Beam could be like. Personally, it was a little of both for me. My heart and passion is always to help others, so what better way than with hundreds of 1st time Beam viewers. If that meant I couldn’t/shouldn’t say “bitch” for a night then sure of course I’ll try it once. You just never know how amazing an opportunity could be if you let it just walk away. That opportunity has brought so many new faces and names into our community and I’m starting to see a new dedicated group always coming back and it just warms my heart. I’ve even see a few of them streaming now too!
The other opportunity I had to do something afraid was yesterday, Tuesday, when I was on Cranky Canuck’s talk show. I’ve been watching him for 2.5 years and always wanted to be on his show. What terrified me about this was that I had absolutely no control over anything, the questions, the time, the community, nothing. When I have no control over stuff, my anxiety goes high. What if Cranky asks me a question I don’t know the answer too? What if I just blank out on an answer? What if… What if…. I nearly canceled last minute because I was throwing myself into an anxiety attack over this; but I did it. I did it afraid, I was shaking, constantly putting on my chapstick and wiggling in my chair. I think I forgot to smile I was so nervous. What I forgot is that Cranky is an expert at interviewing people; he knows when to move on from a question/theme and I didn’t feel too embarrassed. All in all, would I do this again…? Maybe.. I just know that I need to keep pushing myself past my little comfort zones and to do it afraid.